And Oscar goes to…

The Oscars are coming and the bets are already rolling. Which movie will win? Who will be the best actor? Is this ceremony going to be even more boring than the previous ones? Who’s going to punch who in the face? Who will wear the strangest outfit?

The Oscar ceremony must not last longer than three hours. It starts with the red carpet, which is the time to comment on the dresses of the young actresses and the plastic surgery of the “experienced”.

So after hours of not talking, the awards ceremony finally begins. Don’t worry, not yet! Before then, there is a funny speech by a guest comedian. Since comedies rarely win Oscars, the production calls in a comedian to at least liven up the party. Last year it went bad, instead of a punch line, there was a punch to Chris Rock’s face. But people here in Brazil don’t find the slightest bit funny in the opening stand-up jokes, because no joke in the entire history of comedy has withstood simultaneous translation.

Then the important part begins: the prizes! First comes the unimportant. And what a prize there is in that bagasse! Oscars for Best Adapted Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Original Breast, Best Adapted Silicone…

And there are also the technical prices. They say a guy won a technical Oscar and went to make waves in a bar. He turned to a girl and said:

“Hello dear how are you?” I just won an Oscar, you know?

— Are you cursing? Amazing! Oscar for what?

— Oscar for Best Sound Mix.

— Ahhh… Look, I have to go, I have to take my grandmother to weight training.

“Wow, that excuse doesn’t count!”

“Not even your Oscar!”

But even technical prices are outdated. Why not give an Oscar for best green fabric stretcher? Without him, there would be no American cinema today.

Not to mention the lack of an Oscar for Best Superhero. And the best vampire. And the best zombie too.

But we complain about the American ceremony, but imagine if the ceremony was in Brazil?

A country duo would surely compete in the Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor categories. And there had to be a “conservative” actor who would refuse to step on the red carpet.

And there should be a prize for the best adapted ex-BBB. And the number of statuettes had to increase even more to reward all the allied parties.

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